Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Full Moon Blues

This is another one of those times when I find that I cannot speak from "on high" as an astrologer unscathed by messy humanity. I do not feel comfortable using this blog as a diary; among my many pet peeves are bloggers who assume their readership is keenly fascinated by the ups and downs of said bloggers' existence. Yet it is also true that I cannot take solace in distancing myself from the influence of the planets as if they do not affect me.

My Moon progressed into Gemini about 10 days ago. Since then, I came down with a bad head cold, my live-in boyfriend and I decided to call it quits after a few months of escalating misery, and I came down with laryngitis and chest congestion. My newly ex came down with a cold too, so we were both home sick today.

And homesick...at least, I was. Homesick for the home we had built together when he moved into my apartment full of love for me less than nine months ago. Longing to recapture the feeling of warmth, safety, playfulness, and happiness that fled my heart practically overnight, although on my newly ex's end he claims it was more a gradual fading out, and not "about" any one thing or things. The main difference is that he fell out of love with me, and I did not fall out of love with him, even when I woke up one day in late July and realized how unhappy with the relationship I had become. I was hoping we could somehow fix it -- and failing that, be the recipients of a miracle.

However, I had seen the writing on the wall back in June. I knew that the summer would see my progressed Sun leaving Leo and entering Virgo, followed by my progressed Moon opposing my Neptune, and then my progressed Moon would enter Gemini this fall, and that all these things would not bode well for my love life: Neptune rules my 7th house, my newly ex's Saturn is 0 degrees of Virgo, and my Venus is 1 degree of Virgo, which my progressed Moon will soon square. And my newly ex's progressed Moon is about to leave Virgo. We also both experienced Mars Returns: mine was exactly one month ago; his was last week.

But back in June I did not want to be fatalistic about the next few months. I am an astrologer who believes fervently in free will.

And the shit hit the fan anyway.

And the Moon was full tonight in Aries...so I suppose I should be relatively relieved that the limbo state in which my newly ex and I had been dwelling was resolved over the weekend (with the Moon in Pisces, the sign on my 7th-house cusp). I guess it was mutual. We'd both had enough, although he is the one claiming to be sorry, which is the stance that the leaver takes with the leavee.

And now we must navigate the open-ended phase in which we are still living together, but not as a couple. Given the circumstances, I have every right to toss his ass out; my Sun-Mars conjunction in Cancer can turn into real aggression when I feel threatened on the home front. Maybe the trine to Neptune softens this conjunction somewhat...except that my Neptune happens to be in Scorpio. But the natal placement that most seems to encourage stasis for now in terms of my living situation is Saturn in Taurus, which opposes my Moon and Neptune. Translation: I am always short of money, I do not want to break my lease, and splitting the rent for a few months will greatly assist in my saving money for my next apartment. (It is an issue for my ex as well, although not quite as extreme.)

Still, all I feel right now is sadness, which does not translate into the kind of behavior that anger can trigger. So I suppose I should also feel relieved for the stupor that is the hallmark of sorrow, though I cannot feel anything remotely positive about the fact that am battling insomnia and have graduated from Advil Cold & Sinus to Robittusin Peak Cold.

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