She's Leaving Home, Bye-Bye (Remembering When)

Today is the 18th anniversary of the first time I left New York City for Another Place: an island that was an extinct volcano, a little-known dot in the Dutch West Indies. Most of my mail was forwarded to Holland.

I had nearly moved to Berlin to be with a not-so-old flame, then chickened out for a few reasons that still make sense to me nearly two decades later, and other reasons that do not. With Sagittarius at my IC, and its ruler, Jupiter, sextile the IC, I could have predicted that I would move far away. However, Pluto exactly square the IC from the Ascendant complicates things. I can run, but Pluto has always pulled me back.

I did not move away because of 9/11, which had happened eight months earlier. I moved to that specific place for all the wrong reasons. I did paint some nice watercolors that the local gallery accepted. (Big fish, little pond.) Two years later, I would joke to my new friends that it took moving out of the country to get me from Manhattan to Brooklyn, which was just beginning its long run as the epicenter of hipsterdom. I would joke about how it was probably the only island on the planet that lacked a beach. I would joke about the two Dutch families that basically owned the island and must have inbred for several generations to ensure their whiteness. Most of the so-called islanders fled for other, slightly more happening islands such as St. Kitts and St. Maarten. There was a second-rate medical school on the island for first-rate students from impoverished countries and third-rate Americans who could not gain admittance to a US medical school. The only fresh produce on the island were mangoes. I would fly to St. Maarten for a day, go to the French side for the beach and shops in Marigot, and pack my rolling suitcase with roast chickens, croissants, a baguette, cheese, and chocolate.

Fifteen years later, I left my fourth apartment in Brooklyn for a basement in New Jersey for all the right reasons. I thought I was going to land in Philadelphia. Two months later, I was back, having secured the ultimate brass ring: a salaried position that paid a living wage. I joked to my few remaining friends that it took leaving the state of New York for me to move from Brooklyn to Queens. Unfortunately, Pluto opposed my natal Sun five times between early 2018 and late 2019, so I paid a heavy price for my financial autonomy: a workplace so unbelievably dysfunctional it could have been the focus of a reality TV show.

There have been more years than not that I have forgotten this day in my personal history. This year, I guess I was destined to remember because I have been fantasizing once again about leaving New York, where I was born and where I finally grew up. It would not be because of COVID-19, but because I have not been able to truly enjoy the city since returning to it on my own terms in the fall of 2017. The city I truly miss was the city of 1998 to 2009. Far too much about me is different now to recapture that decade, and far too much about the city has changed, as well. That is the thing about New York: it keeps changing, both for better and worse. Now that spring is finally here, New Yorkers in my neighborhood are emerging from their apartments after nearly three months of mostly staying in: restless, some masked, as many not, some social distancing, as many not, counting down for the reopening to commence. I am restless, too, but not to go back to the way things were.

I realize there is very little in the way of astrology about this post. I guess I thought back in 2002 that with the Sun trining my Pluto and Ascendant that day, I would land on my feet once the prop plane landed on the shortest commercial runway in the world. Instead, I realized almost immediately (with the Sun inconjunct my Jupiter) what a mistake I had made. I never bothered to fully unpack. But then, that is true of every single place I have lived. Too much stuff (Cancer stellium), too little space (city apartments do not come with attics or basements), too much restlessness (Sagittarius IC).

Perhaps transiting Pluto trine my Pluto will help me find my true home. Pluto turned retrograde about 10' shy of the exact trine this spring, so I guess I will have to wait a while. In the meantime, I will try to be better about living in the moment, as strange as this time has been.